She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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