Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
