I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
