It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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