I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
