this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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