He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
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Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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