Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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