Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
