She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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