i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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