I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My ass is underappreciated
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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