Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Pants are for mortals
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
