How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
