So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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