How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
