haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
