he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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