I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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