please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
