I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
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I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
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My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.