Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
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She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
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One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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