I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?