Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad