So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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