just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
