You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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