Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
