4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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