I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
