What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
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Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
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She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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