Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
