She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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