can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
