i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
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I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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