I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
