I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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