Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dicks are not precious.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
