Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
