True but thats because hes a fetus.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
