i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
