In America we eat man semen.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
