I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
