His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
