i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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