How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
