i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
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It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
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I just want nice things and good sex
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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