Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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