Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
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