I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
