We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
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i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
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I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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