I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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