I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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