He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
