I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
