If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
