Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
