Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
